Random Ramblings at 38 Weeks

I’ve always been a sensitive person.

I had sensitive skin as a baby and small child. I was allergic to dairy formula and needed soy. It’s been described to me that I feel things more than the average person.

When I was younger, I would be unable to eat upon seeing someone eating out at a restaurant alone. Granted, I was always too painfully shy to invite them to eat with my party. Currently, its still not comfortable, but I can tolerate it.

Despite all the time I’ve spent in Psychology, it wasn’t until a few years ago I realized I wasn’t a freak. There is an actual term for the highly sensitive person…a person with high sensory processing sensitivity or Highly Sensitive Person.

It seems that this late in pregnancy I am overcome with all the emotions. I didn’t know it was possible to feel so much in the span of a day, hour, or minute.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past year in various coffee shops working remotely and have had the opportunity to observe tons of people in that time.

Some of the people seem so interesting and some so sad.

I’ve come across a lot of realtors. They seem so confident and so detail oriented. I admire their perseverance and ability to be such a people person! The thought of interacting with that many people in a day is almost paralyzing to me.

There’s the college students…with their giant backpacks and books. They seem so studious and motivated. I wonder what they are studying and how they like it. Will they stick with it or one day realize they made a horrible mistake in what they choose?

What are the freelancers currently working on? Some seem like regulars and others just pop-ins. Maybe they’re just watching You Tube videos because they’re bored. Maybe this is how the next great KickStarter is beginning.

The dyads and triads are some of my favorites. They tend to be anyone…a construction worker and a business man seated at the comfy corner chairs having a boisterous conversation about nothing. The police officers who all sit in silence together. What happened to necessitate the silence? The ladies who seem to meet weekly and talk about life.

I’m so interested in all of it and wish I could talk to them about what they’re doing…but I can’t. One one hand, it’s rude to interrupt someone like that and on the other hand, my painful shyness would never let me come close to their little table.

Tomorrow is my last day of work for almost 3 months. I am torn between wanting Little Miss to be here ASAP and dreading her arrival. It’s not that I don’t want to meet her, I just fear the change. The thought of change is constantly overwhelming to me.

I’ve got an amazing Flight reflex but a very poor Fight reflex. More times that I’d like to admit, I find myself struggling with the desire to run from change. Here I am facing one of the most monumental changes in a person’s life. What did I get myself into? Am I prepared for this?

I fear I will miss my husband tremendously in this coming year.  I fear I will miss myself. So many people have told me I won’t want to go back to work full-time once Little Miss is born. I disagree…I think. I don’t want to just be a mom. I want to continue to be Lauren, a behavior analyst, wife, coworker, friend…individual.

 

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